Only in America...

Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating

rink...

Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back

of the store to get their prescriptions.

Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a

diet coke...

Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to

the counters.

Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the,

driveway and put useless junk in the garage..

Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have

call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't

want to talk to in the first place..

Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages

of eight...

Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

Leather mini skirt

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful

young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out

in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight

leather boots and  jacket. As the bus rolled up and it

became her turn to get on, she became aware that her

skirt was too  tight  to allow her leg to come up to

the height of the first step on  the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus

driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a

little thinking that this would give her enough slack

to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to

discover she still couldn't!  So, a little more

embarrassed she once again reached behind her and

unzipped  her skirt a  little more and for a second

time attempted the step and once again, much to her

chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the

tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again

unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more

slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in

the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed

her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be

hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I

don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would

agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three

times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

Castro Goes to Heaven

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven.  When he gets there,

St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way,

no how, does he belong in heaven.  Fidel must go to hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome

and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and

tells Satan, who says, "No hay problemo.  I'll send a couple

of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are

locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating

what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they

should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them,

and one angel says to the other, "Geez!  Fidel hasn't been

in hell ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

Condom Factory

Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian

President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true

disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything

within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Mr. Putin. "Could you send

1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long

and 4" in diameter?"

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about

how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company.

"I need a favor. Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away

over to Russia?"

"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.

"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long

and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else? 

"Yeah," said the President, "Print `MADE IN AMERICA',

SIZE: SMALL  on each one."